I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
