Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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