i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
