he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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