i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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