Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
