as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
