Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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