Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize