if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
