I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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