I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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