I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
