i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
