Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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