my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
