Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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