i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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