I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I have tasted many bathrooms
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
