Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
