if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
