jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
