His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
