Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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