True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize