I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
