Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize