imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
