Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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