i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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