Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
