You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
