Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
