I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
