I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
