I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
