i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
