You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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