An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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