im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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