The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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