My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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