Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She bit a glass in half.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i need some magic done to my vagina
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
