I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
