it hurts more in the daytime
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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