I puked a lego.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
