my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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