Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
