I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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