It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
In other news, I just burned my penis
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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