I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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