He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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