I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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