Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
