dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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