Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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