Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Randomize
