I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You are a genius and a whore.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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