Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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