Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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