you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
