I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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