Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
