I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
