lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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