your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
This baby is an asshole
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
