You don't have asthma, your pregnant
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
