I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
