yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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