Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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