I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
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